


if it means the death of me, I won't let go

by dancingassassin



Category: Tales of Xillia
Genre: Angst, Arguing, Canon Compliant, Realization, basically canon compliant at least
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-04
Updated: 2018-01-04
Packaged: 2019-02-28 01:46:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13261023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dancingassassin/pseuds/dancingassassin
Summary: I was given the prompt "locked out."I decided to interpret it differently.Ludger has a realization as to what's been bringing Julius down all these years.





	if it means the death of me, I won't let go

“Everything is fine, Ludger.” Julius smiled, his eyes crinkling shut as he did. He tugged his glove further up his wrist and straightened up to his full height. “Now…did you feed Rollo yet?”

It was like Ludger’s heart was in a vise. His brother was brushing off his concern, which hurt enough. But Ludger knew that Julius was lying to him. He learned his brother’s tells a long time ago. He knew when Julius was lying. But why would he lie about something like that? _I was only asking if he was okay…_ And Ludger had only asked because Julius was acting weird upon getting back to the apartment. Like he was in pain…and he looked so tired. Way more tired than he usually looked after work.

“Yes, I fed Rollo. If he’s begging, he’s trying to manipulate you.” Ludger’s voice was a bit stiffer than he intended, but he was worried and just a little irked. He and Julius had very few rules now that they were both adults – one of which was being truthful with each other. It was their longest standing rule…to have Julius breaking it so flagrantly…

It hurt.

It hurt more than Ludger wanted to admit.

“Are you okay, Ludger?”

The concern in his brother’s voice made Ludger’s heart ache even more. He turned so he could see him and saw Julius cradling their rotund cat to his chest. It looked like Rollo was chewing – of course Julius had given him food.

Julius’ dishonesty had Ludger wanting to give him a taste of his own medicine, but that warm, soft look on his brother’s face was just enough to get him to back down. Still…this wasn’t going to be pretty. “No, I’m not okay.” Julius made a soft sound and took a step closer, like he was going to try and comfort Ludger, but Ludger stepped back to avoid the touch. “You’re lying to me, Julius. I know you are. I don’t know why you’re locking me out like this…but I’ll find out eventually.”

Julius looked like he’d been smacked across the face. “I’m not…”

“You are! You’re still lying!” Ludger’s voice crept up in volume and his chest ached more and more. “Why won’t you tell me what’s going on??”

It was like the sounds of Trigleph melted away, which left Ludger and Julius all by themselves. The silence was overbearing and crushing Ludger down toward the ground. But what caught his attention was how Julius looked now. His shoulders were sagging and his head hanging down. He looked tired, resigned, almost defeated. He didn’t look like the older brother that shined in Ludger’s memories.

“…I hope you never find out what’s going on.”

Ludger flinched back at those words, his mouth opening and closing like a fish. No, _I can’t do this right now…_ He turned away and bolted out of their apartment. He didn’t care if he was being childish. He couldn’t deal with Julius right now.

He didn’t want to be lied to anymore…

 

* * *

 

 

Ludger felt the power of his chromatus coursing through him, it was the most intense adrenaline rush that he’d ever experienced. He wasn't sure that he'd ever get used to it - though if what everyone kept telling him was true, he might not live long enough to get used to it. Either the world would end, or the chromatus would drain Ludger's life away.

He stopped in the middle of what he was doing, his eyes going wide as something dawned upon him.

He'd seen Julius in his chromatus more than once now.

He knew that using the chromatus took a toll on the user.

Ludger's mind flashed back to one argument in particular - when Ludger desperately tried to get Julius to open up about what was going on. About what he was hiding from him. Julius had, predictably, been resistant to telling Ludger what was going on. He never told Ludger what was going on. And now Ludger understood why he hadn't told him anything.

Ludger couldn't remember how long ago that argument had been, he knew it was years ago though. What he did know was that Julius had been feeling the side effects of chromatus use even back then. That he had to be so much further gone at this point in time.

"No..." He whispered as he collapsed to his knees.

Ludger felt the chromatus fade away as he lost focus, or because he ran out of time. He wasn't sure. He didn't care. None of that really matter at this point. His brother was hurting. His brother had been hurting for so long and while Ludger had been aware of it, he hadn't been able to do anything to help him.

And he still wasn't able to help him. Well, he didn't know how to help him.

_I'm still locked out...why doesn't anyone ever tell me what's going on?_

Ludger buried his face behind his hands and bit his lower lip to try and keep himself under control. He hated this...he hated what he had to do. He hated that it felt like he was being forced into saving the world, especially because of that stupid amount of medical debt.

 

The wasteland near Drellin was silent. There weren't even monsters nearby. Ludger was all alone and, for once, he actually felt that way.

_Please…just let me in…_


End file.
